This last weekend I said goodbye to two
dear families emigrating from South Africa, and I also know another good family
making their way back to SA after almost 5 years in London. And so because
moving countries is something I’ve had a bit of experience with…and because I
think it’s good for people to know the reality of such a move I decided to put
my thoughts on the subject down in this blog post.
When we lived away from Africa for our 5
years in China, there was a lot that we missed. I’m sure that most will agree
that absence does indeed make the heart grow fonder, and if we’re really honest
with ourselves, we romanticize what life in a new country (or with new people,
or with more money, or less crime) is like. We focus on all the good stuff, and in
our little bubble far away from the realities of that place, can make it sound
however we want it to. (Of course there are those who, for whatever reason,
make another place seem worse than it is in reality but that is a post for
another day).
In all honesty, I found going to China a
much easier transition than I have found this return to Africa. Although we
speak a lot about reverse-culure shock I think sub-consciencely we feel that a
return home must be easier than a foreign move and dismiss all the warnings
that we should consider any move to be drastic and life changing. We were
prepared for the differences and difficulties we would experience in a Chinese
culture, but we weren’t as prepared as we could have been for the differences and
difficulties of a place we once called home.
That being said, we have no regrets about
our recent move - and like those first few difficult months in China – what
gets us through is knowing we are where God wants us, and things will
eventually get easier. But if I can put my two cents in and highlight some
helpful tips when moving countries:
1) PUT YOUR FAMILY FIRST
Put the well-being of your spouse and your
children above everything else, including other people’s feelings and
expectations. The most important thing is each one of your family members
adjusting (and each do it at their own pace and have their own difficulties).
Take days off to be together and be sensitive towards one another and to
heightened emotions. When we arrived in China, Kyle was busting out of his skin
to be submerged in the language and the culture, but he had to take things
slowly for my sake (taking me to McDonalds a little more often than he would
have liked for example) but in the end it was in his best interests too because
once I was adjusted, we were happy there for a long time. With my 2yr old daughter, having her
whole world turned upside down, I have needed to stay available to her, and
some days just allow her to be clingy and needy, in order for her to adjust to
her new environment and these new people in her life.
2) TAKE THINGS SLOW AND BE KIND TO YOURSELF
Rome wasn’t built in a day. The entry
process into any “system” is a long one. Forget all the logistics of bank
accounts, cell phones, home loans, schools – there is also the seemingly
trivial adjustment of learning where to shop, where to park, who the best
doctor is, where is the closest family restaurant etc. These things seem like
the small things, but when you are having a tough day, these are the straws
that break the camels back! Our saying from our China days often comes back and
helps us even here in Africa – if you are losing the battle, go home, and live
to fight another day. When things are not going well, that is when you need to
call it quits, find a warm spot with a good book and forget all about the
endless list of chores to be done. They can be done. Tomorrow.
3) KEEP THINGS IN PERSPECTIVE
Nothing is as bad or as good as you think
it is. Don’t make mountains out of mole hills and don’t romanticize things. Be
realistic. Denial will hurt you. When you are privileged enough to live
overseas for a while, your perspective does change and you can see situations
differently. When you return, you need to fight hard to keep that perspective
and not become so insular that insignificant things overwhelm you. Be a help to
your partner in this, when they are struggling to keep things in perspective,
help them remember what’s really important and what’s not. On days when you are
feeling more emotional, allow them to be your ‘adjustment bureau’ too.
4) DON’T MAKE BIG DECISIONS AND COMMITMENTS
FOR 6 MONTHS
I would echo this is a good point when
starting a new job as well, but for the purposes of a big move it’s important
to remember that even though you may ‘feel’ energetic and want to get settled
in as quickly as possible, making big decisions when you have first arrived can
be detrimental. You are not in a good frame of mind to be taking on big debt or
signing yourself up for courses/classes/long term obligations. As my mom says,
make your standard answer “NO” and then let people know when things change, it
is much easier to add to your plate than to take things away. Also, those first
6 months is such a steep learning curve for everyone that it’s highly likely
what you first thought when you arrived could well have changed once you’re
settled.
5) WRITE DOWN WHY YOU CAME AND STICK IT UP
SOMEWHERE FOR EVERYONE TO SEE
When the rubber hits the road, you will
probably forget what brought you to a new place in the first place. Write down
your goals or the plan you had for your family and put it up somewhere for
everyone to see regularly. You will need regular reminders.
6) PAY VERY LITTLE ATTENTION TO WHAT MOST
PEOPLE HAVE TO SAY
Most people and very well intending, but can
be very limited in their understanding of your situation. So don’t listen to
what 99% of the people you come into contact with have to say. I am not saying
this to be mean, but everyone looks at things from their own perspective and
their own worldview (based on their experiences) and you must understand that
your perspective is now very different from those around you. You need to do
what feels right for your family, and not pay too much attention to what other
people have to say. Especially in the news.
7) MAKE THE DECISION TO ENGAGE!
If you are going to choose to live in a new
place, then for goodness sake – LIVE THERE. Don’t live in the past or in the
“if only” days. Engage with the place you are in (I have blogged about this
before) and get involved with the things that locals do. Don’t be too quick to
set up your old life in a new place because more often than not you will find
it lacking and become despondent. Make new traditions, start new things (when
you ready) and be open to new stuff. Each place is different with loads to
offer, you would be foolish to miss out on these opportunities because you are
sad about all you are missing somewhere else. Engage in a city’s problems too –
don’t be so insular that you have an “us vs them” mentality. Be part of the
things that make a place great!
8) SEE LIFE AS AN ADVENTURE
My tip to my friends as I said goodbye to
them this weekend was, “If you see everything as an adventure, nothing will get
you down”. I have blogged about some pretty hideous things that happened to us
in China, but the only way we were able to deal with them and eventually laugh
about it all was to see it with a sense of adventure. Oh how wonderful life can
be when we grab it by the horns! The good and the bad…it all turns out good. So
smile and enjoy no matter what gets thrown your way.
9) STAY CONNECTED
Whether you are building new friendships,
reviving old ones or maintaining long distance connections staying connected is
so important. It takes LOADS of work (oh the hours I spent writing newsletters
or dealing with internet issues on SKYPE) but it is so worth it. Make making
new friends a priority, get connected to a local church, take up a new hobby or
fork out the cash to make the long distance call once a week. You can’t do this
alone and neither should you want to. Your friends will be your greatest source
of encouragement (if they are the right friends of course) and they will keep
you sane. Understandably, some friendships will not last and that too is OK.
But you will discover some jewels through this process and they are worth their
weight in gold.
10) DON’T RUN AWAY, RUN TO
My closing point is that making any huge
move can be a bit like a splash of ice cold water on your face in winter;
because no place is easy and everywhere has it’s problems. If you are running
away from something you are very unlikely to find it somewhere else but if you
are running TO something, and are prepared for whatever challenges and
difficulties you are going to face there, I believe you are in a much better
position to be able to stick things out and make it a success for you and your
family. The saying should read: THE GRASS IS ALWAYS GREENER…WHERE YOU WATER IT.
So here’s wishing all my friends, both coming and going, a very fruitful, fun,
joyous and fulfilling moving experience, and remember to water where you are
planted!