Married for a year

January 19th 2008 marked Kyle's and my first wedding anniversary. It was a quiet occassion; Kyle had managed to get on a flight back from China just in time to share the day with me. One year doesn't sound like a lot, especially compared to the 50 odd years my grandparents spent together; but our first year of marriage was marked with incredible highs and extreme change for the both of us...

Marriage requires incredible adjustment from both people and a forging of oneness that comes from years of constantly pursuing God's best for your marriage. We are thankful that our first year of marriage included 6 months of nothing but each other out here in Beijing - because we really think we fast-tracked parts of the journey that have allowed us to enjoy the ride a lot sooner than most.
Since my kitchen tea, I have kept a journal of the lessons we've learnt during our marriage - and so to commemorate the milestone of 1 year together I would like to spend this post sharing my thoughts and tips on a happy marriage. We are all a work in progress but we can learn from each other in our drive to become the people, husbands and wives, that God wants us to be.

1. Some huge advice: set a curfew limit on fights. They are hurtful and unproductive at night and you would do well to sleep on whatever emotions you have and deal with it later. Our suggestion, from 9pm it's off limits
2. Whenever you are finding your partner annoying - which you inevitably do at some point - take the opportunity to have some apart time. Getting perspective and not making the other person the enemy will give you the opportunity to appreciate each other more when you're together.
3. whatever you face, you face it as a team. Everything must work towards being resolved for the sake of your marriage, there is no me vs. him/her anymore, it's no longer a game of winning or being right. It's now us vs. the problem.
4. The husband MUST assert himself as the head of his home. He MUST be able to speak over, at and to his wife in a manner that is lovingly constructive. She NEEDS this no matter how much she challenges it.
5. A wife MUST make it her priority to learn submission. This is not modelled very well in the world today but is critical for the foundation of a healthy family. Commit to learning this art.
6. It is easy to start thinking negative things about your partner when things between or around you are strained. DON'T let you mind run away with these negative thoughts. Get perspective and take your thoughts captive. At this point you need to make a concerted effort to think about all the reasons you married them in the first place.
7. look carefully at the relationships in your partner's family and where he/she fits into them. Strained relationships with in-laws eat away at a marriage and are never pleasant, so work at putting the right foundations in place even before the wedding day.
8. Yelling or losing control in any way during an argument NEVER leads to the right response in your partner. Work at never allowing this kind of bad behaviour into your marriage and processing your feelings in a constructive manner.
9. Have people around you that can speak into your marriage and to you as individuals. Marriage is not something you need to do alone - that's why you have witnesses at the wedding!
10. Know God as your father and friend before you even get married, so that you can go to him with your hurt and disppointments. Your spouse will let you down but God never does.
11. The process of leaving your family and cleaving to your spouse is a biblical and very necessary principle. Be prepared for it and the emotions it brings with it.
12. As a wife you have SUCH power over whether your husband feels like a king or a failure. Guard your tongue every day against harmful, sarccastic and unthoughtful things that could damage his heart.
13. For husbands: when your wife is emotional, allow her to speak her mind and voice her thoughts. Listen, don't respond. Just understand that she needs an ear. Once she has processed her feeling and calmed down, the couple can work towards a solution. But promises and agreements should never be made in the heat of the moment.
14. Fights in a marriage usually occur because one of the following has happend - the husband no longer feels respected, and/or the wife no longer feels loved. Work on those 2 areas and you're almost there.
15. You cannot ever have a day off in marriage; you have to work at it every day. Some days are easy while others might not be, but you have to work at not letting things slip between you or taking each other for granted.
16. In every situation, argument, crisis or challenge - ask yourself whether you have acted in accordance with 1 Corinthians 13. Have you been patient, kind, protecting, trusting, persevering and hopeful? Have you rejoiced in truth and kept no record of wrong? Or have you been envious, boastful, proud, rude and easily angered? Ask yourself...have you been LOVE?
17. Decide to get over things QUICKLY. Don't waste time harboring unforgiveness or pride. The restoration of your household to peace and fun should be foremost on your list of priorities, not being right or having time to sulk. As soon as possible, forget the fight and move on to happier and more enjoyable things...!

And lastly - Enjoy being married! When you find the right person, spend your whole life commited to making them happy.
Looking back it's wonderful to see how much we've learnt in such a short time. Be blessed as you use these principles and grow in your relationships with each other X!