The Grass is always Greener...

This last weekend I said goodbye to two dear families emigrating from South Africa, and I also know another good family making their way back to SA after almost 5 years in London. And so because moving countries is something I’ve had a bit of experience with…and because I think it’s good for people to know the reality of such a move I decided to put my thoughts on the subject down in this blog post.

When we lived away from Africa for our 5 years in China, there was a lot that we missed. I’m sure that most will agree that absence does indeed make the heart grow fonder, and if we’re really honest with ourselves, we romanticize what life in a new country (or with new people, or with more money, or less crime) is like. We focus on all the good stuff, and in our little bubble far away from the realities of that place, can make it sound however we want it to. (Of course there are those who, for whatever reason, make another place seem worse than it is in reality but that is a post for another day).

In all honesty, I found going to China a much easier transition than I have found this return to Africa. Although we speak a lot about reverse-culure shock I think sub-consciencely we feel that a return home must be easier than a foreign move and dismiss all the warnings that we should consider any move to be drastic and life changing. We were prepared for the differences and difficulties we would experience in a Chinese culture, but we weren’t as prepared as we could have been for the differences and difficulties of a place we once called home.

That being said, we have no regrets about our recent move - and like those first few difficult months in China – what gets us through is knowing we are where God wants us, and things will eventually get easier. But if I can put my two cents in and highlight some helpful tips when moving countries:

1) PUT YOUR FAMILY FIRST

Put the well-being of your spouse and your children above everything else, including other people’s feelings and expectations. The most important thing is each one of your family members adjusting (and each do it at their own pace and have their own difficulties). Take days off to be together and be sensitive towards one another and to heightened emotions. When we arrived in China, Kyle was busting out of his skin to be submerged in the language and the culture, but he had to take things slowly for my sake (taking me to McDonalds a little more often than he would have liked for example) but in the end it was in his best interests too because once I was adjusted, we were happy there for a long time.  With my 2yr old daughter, having her whole world turned upside down, I have needed to stay available to her, and some days just allow her to be clingy and needy, in order for her to adjust to her new environment and these new people in her life.

2) TAKE THINGS SLOW AND BE KIND TO YOURSELF

Rome wasn’t built in a day. The entry process into any “system” is a long one. Forget all the logistics of bank accounts, cell phones, home loans, schools – there is also the seemingly trivial adjustment of learning where to shop, where to park, who the best doctor is, where is the closest family restaurant etc. These things seem like the small things, but when you are having a tough day, these are the straws that break the camels back! Our saying from our China days often comes back and helps us even here in Africa – if you are losing the battle, go home, and live to fight another day. When things are not going well, that is when you need to call it quits, find a warm spot with a good book and forget all about the endless list of chores to be done. They can be done. Tomorrow.

3) KEEP THINGS IN PERSPECTIVE

Nothing is as bad or as good as you think it is. Don’t make mountains out of mole hills and don’t romanticize things. Be realistic. Denial will hurt you. When you are privileged enough to live overseas for a while, your perspective does change and you can see situations differently. When you return, you need to fight hard to keep that perspective and not become so insular that insignificant things overwhelm you. Be a help to your partner in this, when they are struggling to keep things in perspective, help them remember what’s really important and what’s not. On days when you are feeling more emotional, allow them to be your ‘adjustment bureau’ too.

4) DON’T MAKE BIG DECISIONS AND COMMITMENTS FOR 6 MONTHS

I would echo this is a good point when starting a new job as well, but for the purposes of a big move it’s important to remember that even though you may ‘feel’ energetic and want to get settled in as quickly as possible, making big decisions when you have first arrived can be detrimental. You are not in a good frame of mind to be taking on big debt or signing yourself up for courses/classes/long term obligations. As my mom says, make your standard answer “NO” and then let people know when things change, it is much easier to add to your plate than to take things away. Also, those first 6 months is such a steep learning curve for everyone that it’s highly likely what you first thought when you arrived could well have changed once you’re settled.

5) WRITE DOWN WHY YOU CAME AND STICK IT UP SOMEWHERE FOR EVERYONE TO SEE

When the rubber hits the road, you will probably forget what brought you to a new place in the first place. Write down your goals or the plan you had for your family and put it up somewhere for everyone to see regularly. You will need regular reminders.

6) PAY VERY LITTLE ATTENTION TO WHAT MOST PEOPLE HAVE TO SAY

Most people and very well intending, but can be very limited in their understanding of your situation. So don’t listen to what 99% of the people you come into contact with have to say. I am not saying this to be mean, but everyone looks at things from their own perspective and their own worldview (based on their experiences) and you must understand that your perspective is now very different from those around you. You need to do what feels right for your family, and not pay too much attention to what other people have to say. Especially in the news.

7) MAKE THE DECISION TO ENGAGE!

If you are going to choose to live in a new place, then for goodness sake – LIVE THERE. Don’t live in the past or in the “if only” days. Engage with the place you are in (I have blogged about this before) and get involved with the things that locals do. Don’t be too quick to set up your old life in a new place because more often than not you will find it lacking and become despondent. Make new traditions, start new things (when you ready) and be open to new stuff. Each place is different with loads to offer, you would be foolish to miss out on these opportunities because you are sad about all you are missing somewhere else. Engage in a city’s problems too – don’t be so insular that you have an “us vs them” mentality. Be part of the things that make a place great!

8) SEE LIFE AS AN ADVENTURE

My tip to my friends as I said goodbye to them this weekend was, “If you see everything as an adventure, nothing will get you down”. I have blogged about some pretty hideous things that happened to us in China, but the only way we were able to deal with them and eventually laugh about it all was to see it with a sense of adventure. Oh how wonderful life can be when we grab it by the horns! The good and the bad…it all turns out good. So smile and enjoy no matter what gets thrown your way.

9) STAY CONNECTED

Whether you are building new friendships, reviving old ones or maintaining long distance connections staying connected is so important. It takes LOADS of work (oh the hours I spent writing newsletters or dealing with internet issues on SKYPE) but it is so worth it. Make making new friends a priority, get connected to a local church, take up a new hobby or fork out the cash to make the long distance call once a week. You can’t do this alone and neither should you want to. Your friends will be your greatest source of encouragement (if they are the right friends of course) and they will keep you sane. Understandably, some friendships will not last and that too is OK. But you will discover some jewels through this process and they are worth their weight in gold.

10) DON’T RUN AWAY, RUN TO

My closing point is that making any huge move can be a bit like a splash of ice cold water on your face in winter; because no place is easy and everywhere has it’s problems. If you are running away from something you are very unlikely to find it somewhere else but if you are running TO something, and are prepared for whatever challenges and difficulties you are going to face there, I believe you are in a much better position to be able to stick things out and make it a success for you and your family. The saying should read: THE GRASS IS ALWAYS GREENER…WHERE YOU WATER IT. So here’s wishing all my friends, both coming and going, a very fruitful, fun, joyous and fulfilling moving experience, and remember to water where you are planted!